Thoughts of a Bi-Polar: Introduction, Part 1 of 3

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Michael has been suffering from Bipolar Syndrome (Manic-Depression) all his life.  He has agreed to write about how he copes with his affliction.  We hope that this opens the eyes of people who know of friends who suffer from this disorder and will respond with the compassion, understanding and support that they need from us. And for readers who do suffer from this, we hope that Michael’s experiences and his writings help you cope with the affliction.  You are not alone.  Reach out, there are many people out there who will gladly help.



Imagine going to bed after a good day only to wake up hoping there would be no more air left to breathe and being tormented by the fact that there still is. I remember countless times, when I’d feel so giddy and bubbly at first and then find myself crying in the bathroom less than an hour later. Why? No particular reason. And that’s what’s troubling. In fact, just before writing this, I was on my feet trying to act like a stand-up comedian and then on the floor with tears in my eyes, remembering something tragic in my life. Another small case of manic depression. Time for my pills. I’ve been on medication for the past eleven years. With this being said, I’m already at the point where in my depressive moods come like a bullet from a sniper. How did I get this disorder? It’s in my blood… it’s that simple.

Thoughts of suicide came in pretty quickly in my life. I remember, somewhere between 3rd and 4th grade, I would already think that perhaps my parents didn’t love me. It wasn’t long after that when the thought of death transcended from something fearful to something fruitful. There were times not too long ago when I’d research over the internet for painless ways to die. I wanted to swim in it. Even until now, while I’m studying, working or even having a good time with friends, I would find myself fantasizing about death and at times when I’m really into it, I would mumble, “Michael is dying of cancer” to myself. It’s becoming a habit.

One thing I knew for certain as time went by was that my self-esteem was so low. I hated myself so much and I’d compare myself to my friends who seemed to be so stable. I was always living in fear. I felt inferior most especially to the expectations of my parents who eventually became my biggest source of sadness. Until now, I still have harsh feelings towards them and when I look at the mirror; the first thing that comes to my mind is the thought of me looking like them soon. The saying “be true to yourself” doesn’t sit very well for a bipolar person. There seems to be a bully everywhere (or my mind bullying me). At the end of it all, I often see no way out. It was like I was breathing just so I can watch myself drown.

In my next article, I will write about the ways I would get myself out of depression.

– Michael.


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